In The Sims 3 and 4, you can upload your creations to a virtual gallery for other players to admire and download for their own games. This means that virtually every celebrity has been made and is ready to download from the gallery. Today I decided to just throw a bunch in a house to see what happened. It’s a tale as old as time: Drake got fucking owned.
I usually only play with up to four sims on a lot because it gets really, really hard to control a bunch of them, but for the purposes of this experiment I decided to max out my household. I downloaded Kim Kardashian, Zayn Malik, The Rock and Dwayne Johnson—and then got stuck. Luckily, my co-workers at Gizmodo Media Group were full of bright ideas.
Rihanna, Tilda Swinton, Cate Blanchett and Drake joined my household. I did not add Baby, Teen or Adult Hitler. There was going to be enough drama without them.
My sims settled into their lavish home and got to know each other a little. Cate, Tilda, Rihanna and Kim all had the “Snob,” trait, so they got along swimmingly. Kim kept wanting me to buy things, and, having cheated to give them a lot of money, I obliged her every whim. I think the swimming pool turned out alright!
But as I got Drake, The Rock, and Dwayne into a basketball game, I noticed something: only two sims had rolled a wish to become friends with other members of the house. Tilda wanted to be friends with Kim—that was going to just happen, no need for me to intervene.
On the other hand, Drake was gonna need a little help becoming friends with Cate Blanchett.
I took Drake, Cate, Tilda, Kim and Rihanna out to the Art Gallery in San Muyshuno. Of course Drake would want to show off his incredible taste. Things seemed to be going well. They all sat around the Bubble Blower and smoked together. Even though he coughed like a 16 year-old every single time he inhaled, this gave him a chance to talk to her.
Cate got up to graciously order the group 400 simoleons worth of cocktails and things took a turn for the worse.
Sober Drake had charmed Cate Blanchett beyond his wildest hopes and dreams! Stoned Drake had no chance. His conversational tactics began to bounce off her, their friendship meter depleting rapidly as she became more and more annoyed by his inane babble. I had one last option: the Karaoke Lounge.
Karaoke was added in the City Living expansion, and I’d previously had great success using it as a tool to make friends. I had Drake sing a song on the machine while Cate watched him. I mean, in real life, Drake is a famous entertainer! Surely there’s a little bleedover effect, right?
No.
Drake sang so badly Cate’s eardrums hurt.
Drake returned to the house, tail between his legs. Tilda Swinton, who had never changed out of her workout outfit consisting of a white tracksuit, made him mac and cheese. It was at this point that I noticed that Rihanna had also never spoken to him. The Sims is a documentary.
Is Drake going to fare any better when I return to this house? No. If there’s one eternal constant in this universe, it’s that Drake always gets owned.